We’ve been sailing our ships from seas to seas, climate to climate overcoming those waves and catastrophic winds. Indeed, we are the captain of our ships.
Being locked up in this four-cornered wall of life was never easy. You have to fight every single battle everyday to survive. A battle from rejection and acceptance, love and hatred, respect and understanding and that, until you came.
Flashback. I was the perfect epitome of “A walking travesty but still smiling at everything” while you were the classic “Alpha Bitch”, dominant, ruler and melodramatic that one needs to be a psychic to understand you. Yeah, you read it right.
But that was not an issue at all. In fact, to most we were the ideal perfect happy couple overcoming each challenges we encountered along the way with a positive outlook in life and though we we’re a mismatch to some, a disaster to be exact, we never stopped fighting for each other and kept our relationship afloat.
Each page of our journey was beautiful, from our Tom and Jerry relationship back then when we’re intimidated by each other’s presence until we became a dynamic duo. You became my Bonnie Elizabeth Parker and I, your Clyde Champion Barrow, sharing the same goals and aspirations as we moved along from one chapter to another of our once we called love affair. Absurd, but we were two happy criminals robbing each other’s feelings and killing each other’s troubles while enjoying each other’s company. That’s us. That’s how our relationship went along. I always got your back, you got mine and we became the strongest unit after all. We were each other’s family and home made out of love with plans settling with Big. With our plans, we kept our self busy and the distance between us taught us things to strengthen what we had. I learned how to respect you more, from your time to your privacy to giving you the space and freedom that you need, letting you enjoy your life there. On the other hand, you taught me to step out from my comfort zone while making myself busy working on what I can offer more to my queen.
Time swiftly passed by, challenges came and our past was hunting us. Our world went topsy-turvy and things became unfathomable. It was not easy, never and yet we still gave “us” chances to live. We gave our all multiple times and bounced back from this hard-knocked life. Things went well for 2 years and 5 more months and we were slowly working on our goals and achieving them.
Fast forward. An Indian summer came and things changed a lot and no matter how obscure the picture was, I always look for a single reason to understand the situation, to understand you. But no matter what I do to keep the fire burning it won’t just end like how it was supposed to be. The fuel was enough but the air to supply the oxygen was not. So does the heat to start and continue the process. It was tough. Yet, we continued trying, doing our very best to keep the blaze. Sadly, it poured and everything was jumbled.
But we didn’t give up. We took it as a challenge finding all ways possible to keep it burning until you walked away with the most valid reason and never left a trace of coming back.
I was left hanging on the edge, devastated and dreams were shattered into pieces. It didn’t stop there. It crushed my whole being as a person. It crushed me not because I was left alone. It crushed me because the person who built those dreams with me was the same person who ripped them apart. It was one of the hardest times of my life but I needed to understand it. I needed to understand it not because I was used to understanding things no matter how fuzzy the image was but it’s because I love you more than enough. Love turned me into somebody I never thought I can be and made me do things I thought I am not capable of.
The years that we spent together was indeed a hell of a ride. It was a roller coaster of sweet, nostalgic, vague, wonderful and episodic memories. It was beautiful.
To my Alpha Bitch,
Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me where I was able to experience how to love unconditionally and how to be loved.
Thank you for being the very first person who never judged me and accepted me for who and what I am.
Thank you for not hiding me after all and making me feel that I was not a mistake, that I deserved to be loved no matter how odd I was and how unconventional our relationship too.
Thank you for those times that you were never ashamed of me, for casually holding my hand, hugging, for being an affectionate partner.
Thank you for making me comfortable with my own self, washing all the insecurities that I’ve had.
Thank you for the good times we shared where laughter was the only medicine we got.
Thank you for those we call a select few memories worth not keeping for, for it gave me lessons needed to become a better person.
Thank you for making me realize that people has always something to tell about you no matter what.
Thank you for teaching me when and whom to care for it saved me from being a total wreckage.
Thank you for singing me a lullaby every time I am having a hard time to sleep.
Thank you for those days that you let me slept in your arms while hugging you. I know it was not easy for you but you still let me just for me to have a good sleep.
Thank you for not making me feel unworthy because of what I have not attained yet nor of what I do not have. Instead, you supported me all the way up and never cared how many times I stumbled down for as long as I bounced back.
Thank you for shouting to the world proudly about us no matter how many times they shut us out. You shut them instead.
Thank you for fighting with me against the odds just to keep what we had. It was hard but we passed through it.
Thank you for doing your best to be a wife and a mother at the same time.
Thank you for learning how to wash clothes and for cooking food for me perfecting my favorite scrambled egg while sterilizing his milk bottles.
Thank you for those days that I felt I have a family that I can call my own, making me experience how it feels to have a wife and a kid waiting as I rushed to go home from work.
Thank you for being my family, my home, my world for four years and nine months.
Thank you for bringing the best out of me.
Lastly, Thank you for that three colorful “I DO” blocks you gave me for it guided me to take the path that I am taking now.
I know, it is an understatement but thank you for everything and I am sorry. I am sorry for I’ve already laid all my cards and played my hand well but it was never enough. I guess, I need not to call this time but to fold instead. I’ve bluffed many times and won ‘til I started fighting this losing battle.
My beloved, we may be sailing in different directions now but you will always be my Winter, my best friend, my once wife, my good Captain and I, your odd, faithful and loyal First Mate who’s willing to sink down with the ship.
To my Good Captain, I am wishing you nothing but the very best.
‘Til we meet again.
Your First Mate